Sitting cross legged
on the floor
raw and exposed
arms wrapped tightly
around my body
giving myself a hug
there is no one else
around to do it
Searching for words of comfort
that will clothe
my naked emotions
lost somewhere
in the fogginess of my brain
All I hear is
it is never enough
I am never enough
The past is
never really past
especially the mistakes
haunting the halls
of my mind
long after they were made
or used like a war club
beating myself to a bloody pulp
being hard on myself
does not make me a better person
only defeated more
All I hear is
it is never enough
I am never enough
I have gone
far beyond what my father
thought I could
doing my best
was never good enough
sometimes I dreamed
of being perfect
but even that
is not enough
Lying in bed in the dark
trying to go to sleep
mind racing
like a hamster on a running wheel
When she reaches for my hand
and tells me she loves me
my first thought is why
how could anyone love me
All I hear is
it is never enough
I am never enough
I should swaddle myself in bubble wrap
as protection against the world
but that would do no good
I would still be trapped
with my own worst enemy
in a cocoon of my own making
telling me
it is never enough
I am never enough
I’m not even good enough
to be trans
with what I still have
dangling between my legs
It is better to keep hidden
so that I can live my life
If there’s no heaven
it’s all a waste of time anyway
I have found
not caring anymore
to sometimes be liberating
Copyright 2019 by Barbara Marie Minney. All rights reserved.
