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Updated: Apr 14, 2020

Sitting cross legged

on the floor

raw and exposed

arms wrapped tightly

around my body

giving myself a hug

there is no one else

around to do it

Searching for words of comfort

that will clothe

my naked emotions

lost somewhere

in the fogginess of my brain

All I hear is

it is never enough

I am never enough

The past is

never really past

especially the mistakes

haunting the halls

of my mind

long after they were made

or used like a war club

beating myself to a bloody pulp

being hard on myself

does not make me a better person

only defeated more

All I hear is

it is never enough

I am never enough

I have gone

far beyond what my father

thought I could

doing my best

was never good enough

sometimes I dreamed

of being perfect

but even that

is not enough

Lying in bed in the dark

trying to go to sleep

mind racing

like a hamster on a running wheel

When she reaches for my hand

and tells me she loves me

my first thought is why

how could anyone love me

All I hear is

it is never enough

I am never enough

I should swaddle myself in bubble wrap

as protection against the world

but that would do no good

I would still be trapped

with my own worst enemy

in a cocoon of my own making

telling me

it is never enough

I am never enough

I’m not even good enough

to be trans

with what I still have

dangling between my legs

It is better to keep hidden

so that I can live my life

If there’s no heaven

it’s all a waste of time anyway

I have found

not caring anymore

to sometimes be liberating

Copyright 2019 by Barbara Marie Minney. All rights reserved.

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